inspired by sleep

like the next breath i will take
and emotion i feel;
like a newly born morning i wake,
and i know you are real.

aaand i'm over it.

looking at the irrationality shrouded in the past
and overcome with reality, regret, reason...
promising a future so absolutely intertwined,
looking at what lies ahead.
only then do i realize
what you mean to me.

offended

CHOKING ON HOW I REALLY FEEL (REASONABLE IRRATIONALITY),
I WONDER
WILL I OFFEND YOU LIKE THIS IN THREE YEARS TIME?
BITTER, SELFISH VENGEANCE BOILS
AND ALL I CAN DO IS WAIT.

nature

selfish,

apprehensive,

(un)predictable,

finicky.

dignified?

responsible?

strong?

wicked Mother Nature,

or is it me?

definitely unfinished

stay with me,
even when you don't want to
(when i don't want you to)
because i've finally realized
how selfish we all really are
(how selfish i am).
don't watch as i sink lower
into this audible silence.
come with me,
and i'll find a way to get you out
as long as i know you'd do it
all over again
for me,
as i would
for you.
lay with me,
regardless of the fact
that tears are unsettling
in my eyes
through yours.
drive with me,
though we're short on cash

...............

unfinished?

it made me wake up
from my impersonal reality
and fall into a state
which consists of
repressed silence.

it made me feel grounded--
not as a child but
as a human being
capable of incredible
emotion

that i wish, now,
i know how to hold at bay.
you've always meant so much to me
it's hard to believe,
it's hard to believe

the withdrawal from something
i didn't want
when it was available,
that this really did happen
and isn't just some twisted glimpse of Hell,

but i know you are elsewhere.

unlike me

incomplete happiness.
unfulfilled ambitions.
fleeting dreams.
unattainable ambitions.

found a way to be content.
striven for achievement.
prayed for hope.
realized truth,
strength,
boundaries.

under the impression that...

my head is in a fog
so think and seemingly
impenetrable.
it is a fog that you--
you, of all people--
cast upon me that i

willingly (ignorantly)
accepted because i was
under the impression
that you were a "nice" one.
one that would give notice,
give truth, give

love

which is something i was
under the impression
that would guarantee
knowledge, security, partnership,
but no,
we are separate.

this fog is new to me, and
i'm not sure how to see
through it. i was
under the impression
that i wouldn't have to
but

plans change.

adored

i've been adored for so long
but never received the kind of love
that i receive from you.
darkness isn't so dark
when pupils dialate
for two reasons.
the sounds of your
lips on my skin,
kissing softly and
leaving traces of your impact
by creating small bumps
all over my body
and the sound of your
breathing and shifting
and husky panting whispers
escaping and saying "you are
so fucking beautiful"
as your fingers trail across
my lip, my neck, my chest,
my torso, hips, legs;
yes, all of this sensory
becomes my eyes
as i realize you are
so fucking irresistible.

goodbye?

when i think if you,
doubt overcomes love,
and i cannot focus
on what really matters,
it seems.

i thought love would help
me endure this new
road i was swept onto,
we were all swept onto,
but i'm alone in this,
it seems.

they feel the same,
though we can't bring ourselves
to mention you and your decision,
our decision,
for more than a brief moment
before the thoughts are mercifully
tossed into the mangled hollowness
in the backs of our minds.

though not forgotten,
it seems.

it seems i will never escape this,
not that i want to.
i wish to hold on until i follow you
to wherever you may be.

i can't bring myself to actually think things over because it leads to cries and regrets and regrets and realizing that you could still be here with us and you could have wished your grandson a happy second birthday and we could all hear your voice say you love us again through your lungs and not through speakers playing recordings from not so long ago...

i wish i could have just
one more day with you,
but i can't help but think
i wouldn't appreciate your
warm, absolutely heartening
presence as i do now
if you hadn't gone
three months and
six days and
almost seven hours
ago.

random shit

why do we only trust ourselves.
it's unfair to those
who we love,
who love us
and yet i know i
(we)
will not change.

is it even possible
when we are so
used to running
in from the rain
to alter our ways
and strive to go
o u t
of our way to drag
our unwilling selves
to get drenched and
not give a damn when
we splatter those
who are dry
with our newfound
glorious view of the world?

would it be strange to watch
a wall of water,
which was once
a collection of drops,
tower above you
and while being shrouded
in the shadow
to wonder if this water
was once on the
other side
of the world?

sometimes

sometimes you are a dream,
a film, a meal, a joyride,
a wondrous scent that
overwhelms...

sometimes you are a man,
a thief, a savior, a world
to me
so absolutely intriguing,
so loving, so...

sometimes you are the
love of my life, the
trance i fall into
that allows obscenities
to occur
with my full, aroused attention
that never hinders your
suggestive murmurs.

sometimes you are the one, my
confidant, my companion, my
mate that assures magnificent
milestones in the future,
perhaps too near.
but who am i to talk about love
when all i know is that

sometimes you are your job,
a technician overcome with sweat
and dirt and the stench of oil
all leaking out of your body
and yet i still find myself
desiring you,
committing you to my empty memory
and clenching you to me
to keep you there in my
messages, my
mind, my
pictures, your
bed, your
truck with me by your
side stroking your dry hands
and admiring every fault
you seem to think is there.
as my hand trails up your fingers
slowly, so slowly rising
to your neck where i lay my hand
lightly
at the base of your neck
and endear your perfect skin
and send chills throbbing down
your spine
and elsewhere.

sometimes is absolute.