goodbye?

when i think if you,
doubt overcomes love,
and i cannot focus
on what really matters,
it seems.

i thought love would help
me endure this new
road i was swept onto,
we were all swept onto,
but i'm alone in this,
it seems.

they feel the same,
though we can't bring ourselves
to mention you and your decision,
our decision,
for more than a brief moment
before the thoughts are mercifully
tossed into the mangled hollowness
in the backs of our minds.

though not forgotten,
it seems.

it seems i will never escape this,
not that i want to.
i wish to hold on until i follow you
to wherever you may be.

i can't bring myself to actually think things over because it leads to cries and regrets and regrets and realizing that you could still be here with us and you could have wished your grandson a happy second birthday and we could all hear your voice say you love us again through your lungs and not through speakers playing recordings from not so long ago...

i wish i could have just
one more day with you,
but i can't help but think
i wouldn't appreciate your
warm, absolutely heartening
presence as i do now
if you hadn't gone
three months and
six days and
almost seven hours
ago.